You know, I write this as though nobody reads it. It’s therapeutic as I ‘voice’ my thoughts and opinions – and nobody answers back! Or do they? Who could forget the newsworthy instance in 2018 when, at a Pre-Proof Hearing in the Court of Session, my soon-to-be-after-six long years-ex, handed a print-out of one of my posts to the Judge as evidence? Yes, it did happen and, if you go back to May 2018, you will see that I wrote – and laughed about it. Way ahead of him. Of course, he was reading it but, of course, I knew that he would be reading it and, therefore, I gave him no opportunity for libel. Never one for fiction, I do not make it up! Similarly, the book which I am writing – now 6,500 words of a book, I might add – apropos one of the longest divorces in history, will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, albeit with a humorous slant. You couldn’t write it! A well-known saying which has been ringing in my ears throughout. I assure you, however, that I can!
Back to the Judge and my blog … The Judge was of the female variety and made no attempt to disguise her surprise at being handed this item of evidence. “Is this on the internet?”, she asked. The reply being affirmative, said evidence was passed back to me in order that I may confirm ‘ownership’. Amused, if not still a little wary, I knew, at once, that this would make another perfect scene in the future mini-series, regardless. So many hilarious moments, who would have thought a legal battle could prove such a comedic gem … Of course, a quick glimpse of the date (August 2016), enabled me to peruse the content of said post and, as suspected, it contained nothing damning. Granted it was the one detailing the attempt to hack off my thumb, plus aftermath, and then a visit to friends, one evening, which ended with me missing a step and damaging my foot, leading me to a visit to A&E, now hobbling and with only one arm functioning! I suspect said ex was attempting to paint me as some sort of drunken liability; in fact, what do I mean ‘attempting to’? Of course, he was! However, all he succeeded in achieving was a surge in my readership. The legal profession. The gift which keeps on giving …
Contrary to what some may think, I do choose my words carefully and refrain from naming and shaming closer to home. However, every so often, I am reminded of my closet readers and turns out they are all around me! Only yesterday evening, I was walking back along the road from my car, complete with my basin full of dirty water and sponge in hand – don’t ask – when I bumped into my next-door neighbour. Lots of chat about this and that and, then, I happened to mention that I was going in to pour myself a large gin and tonic, although I must make more of an effort to wean myself off said beverage – or mentioning it – for fear of attached stigma. Going on to say that I suspected most of my blog readers believed me an alcoholic as I am forever referencing my penchant for much-needed relief in the face of this rapidly sinking world, Kate smiled and, knowingly, agreed. Her confession followed – she is a Trish-Trash closet disciple! Well, put it this way, she is familiar with my work.
Then, of course, there are those who read my less than flattering – though entirely justifiable – review apropos our recent experience at the hairdressers I have been frequenting for almost forty years. Again, who knew that any of them read it? Just happened to see it? Whatever. No names. No lies. My opinion. Of frail constitution? Read at own risk!
It has not been a good week. Referring back to that basin full of dirty water I was carrying when I bumped into my neighbour? Two words: bird shit! Yes. We will follow you! We will hunt you down! No matter where you park, we will be waiting … and, true to their word, they are!! So it was that, smack in the middle of South Street, my car took the lot. Not slightly left, slightly right. Oh, no! Dropping it right there! You are the chosen one. In the words of Clint Eastwood – as ‘Dirty Harry’ – ‘Go ahead, make my day!’. Again, two words: why me?
Let’s talk about Wuhan! The supposed origin of the virus which has, single-handedly, brought the world to its knees. Did you see the images? Thousands of them, en masse, at a waterpark in the city environs, partying on down! Social distancing? Old news. Can’t believe the rest of the world fell for that story about the bat …
Hermes. Not the makers of the sought-after designer bags à la Grace Kelly. No, the parcel delivery company. Nightmare! Suffice to say, I organised a Returns collection from home, booked and paid for and … nothing! What’s more, apparently, it is a company of the future: non humans! Not a chance in hell of speaking to a living, breathing person, instead, there is ‘Holly’ the digital complaint buffer! Guaranteed to make one’s blood pressure sore, avoid at all costs. As for the future? No hope!
How about I end on a high? Well, there is a first for everything. Sticking with two words, let me give you Shovelnose sturgeon. On the news, this week, it was documented that, in the search for the so-called ‘lost species’ which stretches across the globe, there are 25 animals and plants on the ‘most wanted’ list. The afore mentioned, Shovelnose sturgeon being one of them. Last seen in the 1960s in Kazakhstan, good news, it is still with us! A type of fish, it can now be found in Wisconsin and, if googled, one will find reference to the fact that it is a survivor of the dinosaur era. With spikes on its back (layman’s terms), apparently, it is very flat and ‘adapted for life on the bottom and very fast currents.’ Life on the bottom? Adapted for; oblivious to. Sound familiar? A play on words. Made me smile.
‘The world is a tragedy to those who feel but a comedy to those who think.’
Horace Walpole
This is Trish, signing off.
